Ralph

“How’d it Go?”

 How’d what go?  Doesn’t this guy know I’m busy?  My eyebrows formed a quizzical stance as I frantically searched recent memory for whatever it was he was asking about.

I pulled open the heavy aluminum and glass door and entered the A.A. clubhouse and left the bright sunshine behind me. I can’t see anything. With eyes yet unadjusted to the dimness, I squinted as I negotiated the irregular slope of the foundation.

The original architecture of this building had settled over the years into an outcast dwelling that shared many of the features of a fun house. Stupid floor. The once red carpet was shiny with the dirt that a decade of shuffling feet brought through the door. My mind was a centrifuge still reeling from the day’s activities.

            My work day was over and I was barely on time for the meeting.  With a good work ethic, I squeezed in another task before leaving the job site to come here.  My lettering and striping brushes had been carefully cleaned and put away, along with the ladders, paints and paper patterns designed for the current project I was involved in as a sign painter in the city of Jackson, Michigan.

            As I moved through the faded interior, I found a rusty chrome and wooden chair with worn upholstery. I was glad to see my sponsor and pulled the chair out from underneath the warped and worn table. I glanced at Ralph.  He beamed.  His smile was mostly a stained ivory color with some tell-tale metal clips that hugged braided bicuspids. 

        Unconcerned about his less than perfect dental work, Ralph smiled all the time. He greeted everyone with a laugh as they entered our midst. His hands explored the contours of his bald head in a nervous manner every time he interacted with jocularity with one of his many friends. Heavy active eyebrows rapidly provided expression to a face that although wrinkled with wear, now radiated the love he was filled with.

            Ralph was at peace and dedicated to uplifting others.  When I first witnessed the energy radiated by this man I found myself attracted to his love.

            In a way, his voluminous and boisterous manner accompanied by constant laughing appeared grotesque at first. Yet he clearly didn’t care what others thought as he expressed the joy in his heart. He gently patted me on the shoulder as I sat down. 

Ralph then asked me again “How’d it go?”

With an impish grin and a relentless stare, Ralph awaited my response.

            My mind reeled with thoughts that lingered from the demands of my work. My aspiration was to be the best contemporary sign man in the hometown I adopted two years ago. The demands of my clients, rigors of the process and the creative discipline was relentless. Even now, in a peaceful haven, I was distracted.

            While I thought about the supplies I would need for tomorrows tasks and pondered the design possibilities that awaited a few jobs out, I wondered again about Ralph’s request. 

What was Ralph referring to?

            He saw the quizzical expression on my face and laughed.  As I sat next to him I painstakingly made a mental review of the possibilities he could be referring to.

            Finally, the laughing subsided and he asked, “How are you doing with your meditation?”

Oh, a light went on.

 A few days ago, in the role of my sponsor and advisor, Ralph made a recommendation that would assist me on my spiritual path.  He wanted me to meditate as suggested in the eleventh step.  “Sought through prayer and meditation to….”

But I didn’t know what that word meant much less how to go about this mysterious procedure.

            Ralph promised that meditation would open a door that would expand my relationship with my higher power. My curiosity piqued, I asked him how and he offered the manner in which he learned to meditate years ago.  His demeanor shifted and he became serious as he offered these instructions. He suggested that I set aside a quiet time in the evening to sit with my feet flat on the floor and close my eyes and just be as mentally still as possible. He went on to add encouragement and reflection on how the inclusion of regular meditation had positively affected his life.  Then he paused dramatically and laughed again. I went away from that meeting filled with enthusiasm and every intention of accomplishing this new to me, spiritual objective.

As I sat next to Ralph, I remembered the experience I had. As I reviewed, I remembered that I had started just as he suggested. Yet, I hadn’t remained sitting still for long.  My active mind started to not only visualize the next day’s duties as a sign man but to formulate design ideas, a list of supplies and reference materials I would need for the upcoming tasks.

With so much to get ready, I jumped up out of my seat and began to jot things down, gather up the stuff on my list and put it in a box situated next to the door. While I was at it, I thought, it would also be a good idea to pay a couple of bills and write correspondence to respond to a recent query for other work.

            The evening turned into a flurry of activity and finally at bedtime, I accomplished one more task before a quick prayer and off to sleep, eager for the new day.

            As I recalled this behavior and described it to Ralph, He laughed the whole time.  When I finished the story, I felt somewhat ashamed.

He beamed, “that’s normal.”

I was stunned. He recognized my dilemma and went on to explain about the voices in my head that came up with all the activities to do instead of allowing me to remain still and meditate. He taught me that only through becoming able to mentally move past the racket going on in my head and by remaining steadfast and seated quietly would I develop the ability to quiet my mind and be still with God.

Ralph’s gentle encouragement echoed in my mind. I went away from the meeting that day with a new-found determination to continue on my quest.

            I had adopted the policy of being self-sufficient as a child. Through discovering the ease and ability to do just about anything I desired, skills came easily to me.  This additional exercise in mental discipline, I was sure, would be just one more skill to add to my repertoire.

            Several attempts to do as Ralph instructed followed the next few days. I caught myself springing up out of the chair to fetch a roll of pattern paper or a yard stick in my effort to prepare myself for the following day’s duties a couple of times.  During each incident, I recalled Ralph laughing at me and returned to my seat even more determined to sit still.

            I met with my sponsor several evenings each week.  Ralph taught me the way to a healthy happy mind, to find things to be grateful for and introduced me to my higher power.  During these regular get-togethers, I reported progress with my attempt to be still and asked questions about what to expect.  He mostly just laughed and continued to gently provide encouragement.

            One evening session was pivotal. As I sat and noticed all the mental activity going on, plenty of thoughts were rational for jumping up and out of the chair and becoming active retrieving materials and organizing the next work day. With each attempt at being still and noticing these temptations, I became more determined to sit still.  As I sat with my feet planted firmly on the floor, I refused to respond to the mental ideas that wanted me elsewhere.  I was inundated with luring thoughts but I held steadfast.  The experience was quite unnerving as I monitored my thoughts and attempted one at a time to ignore them.

            Whenever I noticed a thought pattern going on in my head, another voice would sound; “hey, there’s another pattern of thinking.”

Then I had to discard that thought and wait for the other voices to quiet down again.

            Eventually I made progress with ignoring my thoughts and they gradually began to decline. When I noticed the change in my mental status another voice piped up; “hey, the chatter is beginning to subside…” Then the noise started all over again. 

I slowly learned to let my mind quiet down and not notice.  With each session, I became better at allowing a void in my brain to occur and grow.

            Ralph continued to display interest in how I was doing. After each evening meeting, we went outside and found a quiet bench. In solitude I would describe my progress to him.  He laughed and laughed.

            One evening I arrived early, excited to report an interesting occurrence.  During my attempt at meditation the night before I had managed to quiet down all the voices but this time I noticed something I hadn’t noticed before.  Once the chatter quieted down, a faint ringing began.  I concentrated on listening to the ringing without mentally noticing it as to avoid the chatter that would drown it out. As my attention stayed on this new discovery the tone became louder. In the midst of this faint sound, made prominent by the elimination of all the others, I found a simple peace. I now had a familiar destination to go to each time I meditated.  With each additional attempt, I slowly became proficient at finding this refuge.  Ralph reflected my excitement with the glow in his eyes as he slapped his knees and laughed.

            Ralph encouraged me to lengthen this exercise a few minutes each time. I was now comfortably patient with this process for ten to fifteen minutes.  One session changed my experience for good. I quietly calmed everything down and became at peace with the ringing sound. As I sat and succeeded with my attention on the Holy tone, an emotion began to sweep over my entire body.  The sensation was quite subtle at first but in the quiet I noticed this feeling started to grow. Starting in my gut and rising through my chest was an energy I had never felt the sensation of before.

            I sat still.  The feeling was a blend of fear, apprehension and a comfortable energy that harmonized with the peace I enjoyed.  The emotion gradually became more intense. But now, adequately trained, I remained still and stayed with this new presence. I began to weep.  I wept tears of joy for several minutes. As I came down from the experience, there existed no questions, no need for explanation or intellectualization about what had happened.  I was filled with acceptance.  It just is.  That night I had no trouble falling off to sleep.

            The next day when I told Ralph about this experience he laughed with joy. He later explained to me that the feeling I experienced was a normal fear mixed with a few other emotions that were all a logical part of my entering new territory. I had never been in the presence of God before and to experience fearful feelings was quite normal. Since that time, I have not experienced the magnitude of that initial sensation again, because now each time I meditate I return to a familiar place.

            Now I sit comfortably during the evening and gaze at another perfect glowing sunset. My mind relaxes as it ignores the chatter and the guilt for not preparing or producing something. While my consciousness lets go of the chatter that wants me busy, I slip into the familiar peace that is now a regular part of my life. I find love, gratitude and wonder for all that God has graced me with.  I become filled with a peace that surpasses all understanding. I think again about Ralph and his sincere regard for me and the gentle way he introduced meditation to my life. To honor this loving, caring, transformed man, I gratefully start laughing.